hello, is there anybody in there?

I went to Freshers Fair at Notts Uni earlier this week, albeit not being a student, so I was there because I didn't really have anything better to do and a couple of my housemates were running stalls there for their societies. It was a bit of a so-so experience, and aside from seeing some familiar faces and getting a small amount of free crap, I wasn't really that bothered at not being a student again. Part of me (specifically the part that likes to sleep) misses my 'hectic' 8-hr/wk lecture schedule though. I think I can cope without having to like stuff because its 'ironic' and being legally obliged to get obnoxiously bevvied up and act like a prick, not that I ever did, because I am fantastically charming and funny when I am drunk. I am having withdrawal symptoms from not watching enough Neighbours though.

In the office, as a very recent graduate, I am generally the butt of all jibes about anything negative to do with students. This is because everyone else in the office is either too old or were too thick to get into uni. Neither is necessarily a bad thing but for some reason, in these exchanges of office dialogue I feel obliged to make it seem that way.

Recently I have become addicted to my housemate's dancemat and Dance Dance Revolution or something very similar on the playstation. It's ace for several reasons, but mainly because you don't need any actual dance skill, its a good excuse to have shit music (although there are some quality choons it has to be said) really loud and also because its physically impossible to not look like a nobhead while playing it. Its also fun.

Today I had to dress smart for the launch of the ASB line in Notts. As far as I can tell, I was just there to make up the numbers, look smart and get some free food. It was odd as I was probably the only temp there amongst a lot of people who had proper responsibilities in their jobs.

I had the pleasure of meeting the MP for Nottingham North, whose name I forget, who seemed like a guy with some good intentions. Unfortunately someone had sent him to the School of Sychophantic Nauseating Speeches - probably the first thing that happens when you become an MP - and he totally sucked up to Louise Casey, the Home Office minister who came to meet everyone. If there were babies there he would have kissed them (but only in front of the camera).

Louise was far more likeable than the MP - being a Civil Servant she doesnt have to suck up to the electorate or whoever - and her speech was very motivating and made me want to do some work. However, one sensed that it was a tiny bit meaningless when she said that Nottingham was a 'special city' but she was off to Derby and Coventry later, probably to give identical speeches. Much like when Rock Band X comes to town and declares the crowd 'the best crowd ever'.

But on to the important stuff: the food was rather disappointing. I had one small salmon (tinned, not smoked) sandwich which was not up to the standard of my usual M&S lunch. While it may seem like a waste of money or total decadence to put on nice food, what is the point of having the launch at lunchtime if you're not going to put on a nice spread for everyone? Inconsiderate bastards. Poor show, people, poor show.

The other band I am in took a step closer to actually becoming a band i.e. me and Stu worked out some of his songs for a bit. I am somewhat wary that we can't really call ourselves a band as such because (a) we haven't had a practice with all the members there (b) we're not actually sure who all the members are and (c) perhaps most crucially of all we lack a name/logo/own genre description (e.g. melodic post-ironic glitchcore). I'm pretty sure all of that will happen soon though so watch this space.

Plinth on the other hand have already completed stages a, b and c previously outlined and now have the prospect to playing an acoustic set to a bar full of drunk Freshers to look forward to, and it will also be on the student radio. At least the bar will probably be full, if only because it will the first chance for the Freshers to get shitfaced (such a charming term) at university. I expect at least one crude heckle. I also have no doubt that our singer will embarass both himself and the rest of us by attempting to either look cool or be (intentionally) funny. He does this on a regular basis in at band practice, on internet forums and has done at past gigs so I don't see why this upcoming performance will be any different. EDIT: apparently its not happening, you lucky lucky people.

Today at work I went to the council's CCTV control room, where they can the see the feeds from all the cameras around the city centre and in council flats. In the flats the cameras have speakers next to them, so you can speak into a mic in the control room and scare people in the corridors (with hilarious consequences). I was only there because I had to advise (ha!) them on how to handle the anti-social behaviour calls they would be getting (I get them during the day, and then the line gets diverted to them until the following day). Essentially my advice boiled down to this: people (a) can get quite upset (b) are stupid - see previous posts - and (c) don't know what the helpline is for - again, see previous posts. I think they thought I was joking.

Tomorrow I get/have to go to the big launch of the ASB helpline - Home Office minister Louise Casey will be there so apparently this means I cannot wear trainers and I have to wear a tie. Louise Casey achieved some level of fame when she made a drunken speech saying...

On drink: "Doing things sober is no way to get things done"

On government: "If No 10 says bloody 'evidence-based policy' to me one more time, I'll deck them"

more here

Exciting stuff. I am thinking of trying to bring up this speech at any possible moment but realistically I will probably have to be tactful or will be too nervous.

As usual Sunday at work was very quiet. I have again been drinking tea and playing Minesweeper and I have set some new records.

Intermediate: 38
Expert: 137

Still some way to go before I am world-class, in expert at least. I could probably mix it with the best of them in Intermediate or Beginner though.

Monday was very quiet too. I beat my Expert score, it now stands at 122. It does make one question what one is doing when Minesweeper is all that gives one a sense of achievement in the day, especially when one is still some distance from obtaining a world ranking. I spend too much time on this game. It is sad. In fairness I only do this at work so that makes it ok, in a way.

We got another call from the lady that was offended by the tree from the other day. Unfortunately she wasn't following up her enquiry but merely asking for the number of someone else in the council. Last week she rang up supposedly complaining that the road was too narrow and that this was somehow anti-social. In a way, I am glad that people like her exist. I can't explain why, but somehow my job would be so much shitter if she didn't call no matter how stupid she is.

Some poor fellow rang up to say that he'd been the victim of a youth shitting on his doorstep. He seemed pretty certain it was human. Not that funny in itself, but I misheard him and thought he'd said that someone had shat on his daughter (with hilarious consequences - sorry, I just like that phrase). I didn't reveal my misunderstanding to the man, it just didn't seem appropriate no matter how funny the resulting conversation might have been.

Plinth are getting ready to be unleashed on an unsuspecting crowd, probably at Freshers Fayre at some point. I literally know nothing about it other than what I have just written so I can pretty much guarantee we will be log, or even more log than usual apart from me who will of course be ace.

I have decided to use Capital Letters properly. Initially my blog was just a timewaster for when I was at work. But I have since (a) become addicted and (b) discovered that I had far more time to waste at work than I initially thought so I guess I might as well take the extra time to type my entries properly.

Yesterday (Tuesday)
I have a new partner with me at work and he started yesterday. Technically I am in charge. This means I enjoy privileges such as getting to use the computer that boots up faster and having a keycard for the front door.

Unfortunately the new guy seems like a dick. I got a call from a warden asking for a team to be sent out to clean up the remains of a dog that had been ran over in the road, and also a request for the team to speak to the owner before sending the carcass to the incinerator. This seemed to leave my new colleague in stiches. I couldn't see how that was funny. An animal had died unnecessarily and its owner was very upset about it.

Last week, we got a call from a woman complaining about the shape of a tree (I think she said it looked like a willy). That was funny because (a) it was ridiculous that someone could be offended by a tree (b) it was ridiculous that it was somehow our responsibility to put it right and (c) it meant that somewhere in Nottingham there was a tree with a defined bell-end on it.

To summarise:
Willy shaped tree = funny
Dead dog and sad owner = not funny

It's only been a day though, so maybe I will adjust to my new colleague's sense of humour in time.

EDIT: Apparently it looked something like this.

i am in a band called plinth. to cut a long story short, they used to be shit until i joined and now plinth are ace, or at least at a level where its a matter of taste whether someone likes us as opposed to just not being able to play because they are completely shit.

put simply, i am ace, plinth or no plinth,

and i want this to be next cover for our next cd.

look! its so cute! it fits in a cup! a cup! etc.

i fear the other members will not see the genius.

sunday again. i am at work. i have spent today drinking tea and playing minesweeper. i have not managed to better my 150 on expert, but i was so close on about 130 but i had marked out one mine too many and spent about a minute (63 seconds to be precise) finding the rogue, leaving me with a disappointing 193. that a was a low point.

don't get me wrong, i am not complaining. its just quite annoying that i am doing nothing at work when it would be infinitely more fun to do nothing at home. although i don't have the internet at home yet so maybe being at work at has its benefits...

my attempts to console myself at my minesweeper disappointment by raiding the secretaries' fridge proved fruitless. they are down to the economy rich tea biscuits. i am considering scheduling them some meetings with important people so they buy something nice. i think i will suggest either fox's golden crunch or marks and spencers' brand chocolate chip cookies.

last night i watched the ramones' documentary end of the century. i highly recommend it for anyone who likes the ramones, mainly because joey and dee dee's speaking voices are hilarious.

plus it has a clip of dee dee ramone's rap video which is probably the best 'so-unbelievably-bad-its-actually-the-best-thing-ever' thing i've ever seen or heard. actually, its just the best thing ever.

word.

i have a car. today it decided to break for reasons known only to itself and definitely nothing to do with the fact that yesterday i was trying to fit superbright blue LEDs to the driver and passenger footwells to match the blue LEDs that come on in the windscreen washers.

thus i am temporarily stranded in the best place to live in the UK pondering exactly how to get to the second worst place in the UK for work tomorrow. but at the back of my mind the thought lingers of how long a garage near the best place to live in the UK will take to fix my car.

incidentally the LEDs don't work. the switch broke. they were fantastic while it lasted though. imagine some of these lighting up the interior of a renault clio:

breaking down really wasn't anything to do with the LEDs. they are just more interesting. i think the engine was overheating because coolant was leaking or some shit. and it didn't break down per se, but a bit of steam peeped out from under the bonnet and that was enough to make me call the RAC. they turned up very promptly and well within the 75 mins i was quoted by the lady on the phone.