hello, is there anybody in there?

As I was crossing the road today I noticed that there was someone on the otherside of the road wearing exactly the same clothes as me. Not literally the exact same clothes - that would be awkward to say the least and questions would certainly be asked. Our similar choice of attire was slightly awkward in other ways though, particularly as we both noticed this and judging from the expression on this other fella's face, did not know what to make of the situation.

I was dressed reasonably normally, so this encounter was not as funny (or improbable) as if I wore a catsuit for my day-to-day casual wear for example.

We had to wait on our opposite sides for a short time while the traffic went past. During this time many things were running through my head. Was this fella secretly stalking me and imitating me, eventually intent on stealing my identity to perform strange deeds? Should I acknowledge our mutual taste in clothing and congratulate him on his choice of jacket, jumper and shirt combo? Should I prepare to defend myself from accusations of being a copycat (obviously wrong, although if applied to my blog there is reasonable grounds for copycat accusations)? Maybe I should devise some kind of hand gesture that acknowledges the matching clothing but at the same time avoids awkward conversation?

In the end we crossed the road without verbally or sign-languagingly acknowledging eachother. But he knew he was copying me.

Yesterday I had to drive my car. It gets more exciting: we were going to a rehearsal room. Unfortunately I couldn't park outside the room so we had to unload all the stuff and I had to find a place on some dodgy side street to park.

While I was parking up, about 12 of the native council housed youths emerged from a hole somewhere and proceeded towards me and my car. They were wielding sticks and hitting things along the way. This wasn't really an issue and certainly was not the weirdest thing.

The weirdest thing was when returning to the car after practice. By now it was dark. From a distance I could hear what sounded like an argument. When I turned the corner, this was the scene that presented itself*:

There was a crazy woman stood near my car just shouting stuff. I couldn't make out what she was saying but she sounded angry which is why I thought it was some kind of argument, probably between some local Gs. She was looking across the road but upon closer examination she was just staring into thin air. I'm finding this hard to describe, but its similar to a crazy woman (nicknamed 'Sinner') who used to stand in Epsom high street and shout lines of the bible out at passers by. This was not an uncommon sight in Epsom as there were quite a few mental hospitals in the area and they let them out quite often.

Anyway I got in my car.

She kept shouting.

I started my car.

She kept shouting.

I put on my Darkness cd.

She kept shouting.

By now I had twigged that the shouting was most likely a constant fixture and that I might as well just drive off as there was nothing I could do to stop her being crazy. I thought I'd better just let her get on with it.

In other news, I left my jaffa cakes at the rehearsal room. Lame. M&S ones too.

*She probably didn't have a forked tongue. I didn't greet her with a 'yo!'. I think she definitely did just go 'raah' at least twice.

At work I have to talk to people. Sometimes it is part of my job and I am forced to talk, such as when answering the phone. At other times, it is merely to be polite and maintain a good working atmosphere. This is where Dave comes in.

Dave is not his real name and the reasons for this will become apparent very soon.

I see Dave around 2 or 3 times a day. This is either when I arrive at work, when he leaves work or very occassionally when he makes himself some tea (the tea making facilities are in the same office as me). When we meet he says hello, goodbye, would you like some tea etc, to which I reply hello, see you later and sometimes yes. The twist is, he ALWAYS calls me Richard. The astute amongst you may have seen my log-in name or profile and deduced that my name is Chris, not Richard.

However, the time to correct him (i.e. the first time he did it - he just walked off and I was left looking confused) has long gone, and he never hangs around long enough to start a proper conversation so I never get the chance to correct him. Other people in my office have noticed this too but they haven't said anything - if anything was said it should really be from me - and to be honest I think they think it is funny. Additionally, I don't really feel the need to start a conversation with him purely to correct him on my name as I don't really have any desire to chat with him. Our working relationship is just fine without the chat in my opinion. And calling me Richard does not harm it in anyway whatsoever. But it is annoying. Surely now you can see my dilemma.

Rather than correct him, I have decided on another tactic. I will call him Dave. But, Dave is not this fella's name (and from thence the humour etc). I was inspired by Only Fools and Horses' character Trigger, who calls Rodney 'Dave'. Now, I will challenge this fella to a standoff. He can call me Richard and I will call him Dave. And when he stops me to correct me, I will stand up and say "But NO! You can't correct me DAVE! If anything I should be correcting YOU! My name isn't Richard at all! I'm Chris. Everyone knows I'm Chris. I've been Chris all along! You didn't know that? Well you must be a bit of a thickie then. What are you Dave? A thickie, that's what. Now call me Chris you bastard."

I don't think I will say any of this really. I am too nice.