I was stopped by the police for the first time the other day. Me and my housemates were off to Attenborough nature reserve because Claire had a project that meant she had to go and check something there. Little did I know that I would fall to a similar fate to R Kelly's character in Trapped in the Closet. I too would be stopped by a police officer whose redneck wife was having an affair with a midget. I feel R's pain.
It was quite a nice day. I was going along a main road when all of a sudden up popped a police car that started flashing their lights behind me. I didn't actually know what this meant, having never been stopped before. I thought they wanted to overtake me, because I had done nothing wrong to my knowledge. In hindsight, the amount of time it took before I realised they wanted me to pull over must have only aroused suspicion. Rather helpfully, when I asked my housemates "What do you think the police want?" their response was "What police?".
I stopped. A female police officer marched over to my car and asked if she could "borrow me". I briefly had visions of the bit in Days of Thunder when Tom Cruise acts as if the police officer that searches him is a stripper (with hilarious consequences) and thought it might be funny if I did the same. These visions stopped when I saw she had a gun and kevlar vest. I can't remember if Tom Cruise's officer had a gun. I'm sure he made a joke about a gun though. I was actually really shocked that she had a gun at all.
Anyway, she asked me something about seeing my driving licence (which I showed her) and I made an extra special effort to answer in the most upper-middle class voice I could muster. I don't know why but I thought this would help. It seemed to. I was considering mentioning that I shopped at M&S and making the distinction between a 'supermarket' and 'food hall' and how this made me a better person but this didn't seem relevant. The officer said that there had been reports of a yellow car driving erratically in the area. To be fair, I had been slightly indecisive when choosing a lane to go in, but I had only been on the road for about a minute so its not likely that it was me.
My upper-middle class efforts paid off, as she then said that I was not the sort of badboy racer that they were looking for, probably because I hadn't told them to fuck off or tried to shoot them and could actually string a sentence together. Upon saying the words "badboy racer" all my housemates laughed out loud (or LOL if you will). This helped my cause. Despite this, I was slightly hurt and for a second I wanted to show her my windscreen washers with blue LEDs but thought better of it. I think it would have impressed her though.
We went our separate ways. At the nature reserve there were some kids feeding the ducks and swans. It seemed to be mating season because the swans were "attacking eachother".
